A journey of faith: envy creeping in

You may know that I was baptized into the Christian faith a little over 2 months ago. I cried my way through my testimony and emerged from the water anew.

What you don’t know is that, since I made that promise to God – to be obedient, to turn to Him in times of fear, to surrender the woman I am for the woman He made me to be – I’ve felt the slow, steady progression of envy creeping in, attempting to corrupt certain parts of my faith.

Take, for example, fellowship. It’s a wonderful thing to take part in. I look forward to going to church every Sunday, listening to the sermon and talking with people whose hearts are for Christ. But, in its sneaky little way, envy makes it harder to enjoy that fellowship. It triggers the comparison game, causing you to wonder, “Why don’t I have this gift? Why does my worship look different than theirs? Why isn’t my faith as strong or emotional or steadfast as theirs?” And all of a sudden your focus, which should be on God, is back onto yourself.

For me, that envy tends to bubble up when people are sharing stories about their faith. I’ve heard stories about encounters with Jesus; I’ve watched people prophecy over others; I’ve listened to gut-wrenchingly beautiful testimonies about overcoming addiction and illness and grief. Meanwhile, I’m almost 8 months into my walk and I have nothing to “show” for it – no miracles, no encounters, no spiritual gifts in sight.

I know that not every person receives the same gifts, and that it is all in God’s design (1 Corinthians 12: 4-7). But as a “baby Christian”, sometimes it’s hard not to worry that I’m doing something wrong when my faith doesn’t appear as fruitful as other Christians’.

The other characteristic that I’ve come to notice and envy in some of my fellow Christians is spiritual maturity. A person who seems to have a deeper understanding of God’s character, His Word, and His presence is one that I am immensely jealous of.

Allow me to give a recent example. A fellow believer and loved one of mine is in the early stages of dating a new man. This is her first romantic pursuit since she began her walk with Christ, yet she’s already started establishing boundaries out of respect for God, herself, and her future husband, and she’s done so with such clear conviction.

I haven’t been in a new relationship in a while, but it hasn’t been long enough for me to forget how tricky it is to set and maintain boundaries. Candidly, I still struggle with that in my current relationship. I ask God for help constantly because I still feel like I have no idea how to be a Godly girlfriend. Obviously asking God for help is part of my loved one’s approach too, but I can’t think of a single decision that I’ve made with as much confidence and conviction as she has about this new relationship. And I’m jealous of it.

I recognize that spiritual maturity doesn’t just happen all at once. It takes time and obedience and learning and repentance. But I’ve never claimed to be a patient person. More than anything, sometimes I just want to jump to the next stage – the one where I understand conviction and know my boundaries and can discern right from wrong based on God’s Word and interference.

It makes me sad just to write that. How sad it is that I’d wish to skip over any part of my journey with God. How sad that my sinful heart would twist someone else’s good thing into something ugly. How sad that envy has gained a foothold, driving me toward comparison, the notorious thief of joy.

In moments of clarity, though, I can better recognize the truth. Every person’s walk with Christ is specific to them. Their gifts were given to them for a reason far greater than any one of us, for the sake of God’s Kingdom. And just because I haven’t worked any miracles (yet) doesn’t mean that God cares about me any less.

So I ask God not to make me someone else, but to make me fruitful where I am. I ask that He loosen comparison’s grip on me, and that He teach me the patience I dreadfully lack. I ask that He help me surrender fully, soften my heart, and free my love for my brothers and sisters from envy’s ugly green veil.

And I believe that He will, even if it takes time.