Romance, Christian dating, and a quick shoutout to my ex

A few weeks ago, I was approached by a man at the farmer’s market. He asked me on a date, which I politely turned down. I went about my day. I’m sure he did as well. No big deal at all.

Later, though, as I sat reflecting on the day’s events, I started pondering the implications of a potential “yes” and encountered a brand-new fear: what if all the things that the world values in relationships—romance, attraction, excitement—aren’t part of a Christ-centered partnership?

Allow me to elaborate.

Running in Christian circles, I listen to testimony after testimony, sermon after sermon, about shared faith, commitment, respect, and submission to one another as to the Lord. I hear often about the role of marriage and the picture it paints of Christ and His church. And let me be clear: I believe all of these things are absolutely essential and backed by Scripture.

The root of my fear is not at all related to the wisdom shared in those conversations, but rather to what often goes unmentioned entirely… Romance. Chemistry. Desire. Fun. As someone who’s been a hopeless romantic nearly her whole life, a relationship devoid of those things rings up on the scale of nightmarish.

One could rightly argue that this fear is illogical for a Christian, with that argument hinging on two pivotal beliefs: 1) sex and sexual pleasure are gifts from the Lord meant to be enjoyed and are therefore good when not perverted by sin, and 2) romance and sexual pleasure are rightly and intrinsically linked.

If you hold these two things to be true (which I do) and you believe that marital partnership and intimacy are designed and ordained by God (which I do), then it is nonsensical to conclude that romance, desire, attraction, and so on, would be absent from the equation of a godly marriage.

Do I see the absurdity of my worry? Yes. Has that absurdity stopped the fear from creeping in? No.

And it would seem that I’m not the only woman who’s had this thought. I recently grabbed dinner with a friend who’s also single and she essentially described that same worry—a dread of courtship that lacks passion or pursuit.

During that conversation, though, I realized that God has given me a great gift, one that I got to chat about with my friend and hopefully provide some encouragement through.

(This is where the ex I mentioned in the title comes in.)

I’ve been so blessed as to experience a relationship that had romance. In the two years we were together, we had great chemistry, great conversations, and an overall wonderful connection. In so many ways, it was exactly what both of us had always wanted.

All of which may stir the question, “If the relationship was great and still ended, why do you call it a gift? How could that be an encouragement to other single women?” Great question. That’s exactly what made me pull out my laptop and start typing.

We know that the God of Israel, the great I Am, is a God who gives good gifts to His children (Matthew 7:11, Luke 11:13). We know that He is constantly at work for the good of those who love Him (Romans 8:28). We know that He, the Creator of all, made man and woman for partnership and harmony with one another (Genesis 2:18–25).

I say all this because, if I know these things about the Lord to be true, and I believe that romance is a gift granted by God for our joy and His ultimate glory through marriage, and I’ve already had a relationship with chemistry and romance and fun with a man that isn’t my future husband, then how much better will it be with the man who is?

I don’t have to just resign myself to the idea of a marriage without these things—these good things—that I desire. In fact, if marriage is in God’s plan for me, then I have all the more reason to hope for them.

So I’m grateful that the Lord let me have that experience. Because even though it hurt when it ended, knowing what I know and feeling what I’ve felt, it’s impossible for me to settle for anything less.

What a blessing to have loved and been loved in such a way that it inspires hope. For that I’m so grateful, not only to the Lord, but to my ex as well.

I’ve been given every reason to hold onto hope for even more.

And what a gift that is.